“HoW to BeComE an ALphA FeMale in 18 EaSy LessOns”

May 06, 2009 , , 17 Comments

There was a time. Actually there were two types of time… One when I use to seriously feel that people should start taking me seriously. After all, learning flows from distillation of reflections not experience. Just cause I am pretty looking, timid girl, that doesn’t make me the Siamese twin of the dumb blonde in your vicinity. I have a mind of my own and I am just being nice. Ok?

And then there was a time when I feel that people should stop taking me as a nicey-nicey girl that they always think of me. The expectation bars often get raised too up for me to breath and I was pitted against all the dreadful things I would otherwise prefer not to do. Like?

I mean am a normal girl on way to life and living but I bear no halo on my head. Hey guys stop watching my rear, it is so rude. Come on there isn’t any secret tail to peek beneath my dress. I am not your Balika Badhu, Tulsi Virani or even Lalita pawar. Well that is a different fact that I really loved ‘Lolita’ pawar. [Powerhouse of a performance, someone who wasn’t scared of playing grey shade in world full of rose tinted glasses]. But then I love Kiran bedi too and given a chance would like to maneuver the sorry state of law & order in country. No jokes that some of my friends used to fondly call me Rani Lakshmibai!!! [“Mein apni Jhansi nahi doongi, so nahi doongi”]

See this is my problem, I look and sound like a nice young girl, which I am, but am always playing with the tension between that nice girl exterior and the tough task master beneath the surface. Of course no one is really fooled because I really am the fairly boring nice young girl.

Well now is the time when I don’t care what world at large think about me. They don’t take me seriously, their fault. They think am nicey, well good, gift me a souvenir. If they think am a contradiction, getting rude, submissive or even enigmatic, give me another souvenir, perhaps casted in gold.

But please don’t stop typecasting me. It is such an honor that people taking so much of time out of busy lives, telling me that they know me more than I do. Ahoy! I am touched. [Eye lids flitter-flatter]

And what is this Alpha female theory that am rutted against? I am female though, may not be your alpha female, and worse am not even the beta one. Ok there is no gamma here, there is Omega.

But the point is am I the one? Or should I transpire to be one? Well the answer is- who cares?!?! However, I am blessed to have met many of them. With my experience and interactions, I can identify one from miles. What do I do then? Nothing. I write blogs on them. Bitching? No baba. I do not bitch baby, I blog. What a statement madamji. Going by this logic, I too can try my hand becoming an alpha- alpha female. Well that is the different logic that who has such ambitions anyways.

Keeping in mind that I may have female readership too [err, ahem do I], I must compile “some of my lesson” for the combined benefits for many “alpha females in making”.

But what is an alpha female? And does an alpha female do? Also how to become an alpha female?

Well alpha female is the superior breed of female as considered to be woman on top, given top priorities in whatever they do, wherever they go and off course making males go weak on their knees. Sound interesting girls? Well, here’ the simplest gyan ever given on “how to become an alpha female”. Simplest why? Well easier given than done J

1. Laughter is best medicine: Viagra has found its competitor and you, your new ammunition. You need not be supremely talented but you should know how to laugh on all silly jokes of your boss or the person you want to please. Well even if this doesn’t set you apart. You must also know when not to laugh and manipulate that desirable reaction

2. Practice making your looks good: Spent some qualitative time [in fact a lot of it] in front of mirrors- mirrors at home, malls, wash rooms, sideways, any goddamn place. Learn the art of transforming make up, make up that makes ugly Betty looks like a swan. Wear as many flashy colors as possible. More the number of colors on you, more eye balls you will attract. From your toe nail to your mane, everything should speak “groom”, “parlor treated” and off course “branded”.

3. Keep that terrific smile on: Wear your best flashy lipstick, gloss and keep pouting through all the strategic interventions and touch points

4. Be extraordinarily confident: Even if the dress you wearing, falls short of a stitch, you must flash around “ah that’s Robert Cavali exclusive for me”. What if you are wearing a dress that was your best fit at the age of 10, you must be “ah, so much in control”. So what if Bill Clinton is no more the American president, it’s your answer and it ought to be right. Hey lady you are standing on my foot, but then what an amazing stilettos!! Hey $900 is bigger money than $ 600 but since you spent $600, it is bigger.

5. Spread the word: Spread the good word around. Oh you are single again, spread the word. So your family has a big beach resort in Hawaii and you are just back from a rejuvenating trip from France, spread the word. Hey, you bought Armani- Gucci dress, spread the word. So, you cancelled your dinner date on the top of Eiffel tower with George Clooney only to escort Gerard Butler on his Indian sojourn, spread the word dahlings!!! More popular you get, more popular you become.

6. Develop a group of trusted friends: It isn't possible to be an Alpha without having a gang of friends or elite that will let you lead them. Girls who will accompany you in all bitching, charade, masquerade and guys who are more than willing to pay all your shopping bills, hold your bags, drive you in Cadillac and sponsor your Bahamas trips. And yes, you must have a gay friend to show around too.

7. Accessorize and give your stuffs a personal touch: whether it is multiple rings on your fingers, tattoos at an inch below your neck [backward or forward depending on your dress preference], danglers on your mobile/ purse and what not. Damn if it is just a nail, it can be tattooed or ringed too.

8. ‘Accent’uate your life: So what if you don’t have one. Even the Oprah has none. Bad joke. But trust me, for I have seen many alphas scoring high over betas with their fake accent. All you need is, read your public and roll your tongue, word by word. When your eye color, nail, hair and xxx can be faked, what is big deal about accent? It’s free of cost and off course low on maintenance. A plain Rambo can be called as Rrramboah!!!

9. Higher thoughts and lower necklines: An alpha female’s neckline and seam are indirectly proportionate- Lower necklines and higher seams. Do I need to say more?

10. Play hard to get; still be a Social butterfly: “Oh dear I would have loved to come, but you see I just promised Mrs. Ambani to attend her maid’s baby shower. They are like a family you see”. Mrs. Ambani or maid? Well that doesn’t matter as long as you are busy. If not, pretend to be busy as if the earth will stop revolving if you stop working. And it is you babes who make the sun, moon and stars go round!!!

11. Go Hollywood: Hindi films are so absurd and a chic like you should never be caught watching one. The more you talk about star wars, harry potter and Francis ford cappola, more “arrived” you are. And yes Elizabeth ‘Taylor’ and Barbara ‘Mistry’ are not from PWD [public works deptmt], they are the renowned actors. Mind it.

12. Make a “to-do” list: Be organized and scheduled all your appointments carefully. From hair cut, foot massage, spa to dress fitting, your week should be well balanced. By the way, don’t forget to make rooms for your personal trainer and dietician. It is not so easy to look that beautiful all the time, you see.

13. Extend your vocabulary: learn a new catch word everyday. For instance, try saying –“whatever”, “wassup”, “Gotcha”, “cool”, “oh really [with constant blinking eyes]”, “you know” and the types. Also, start practicing all big heavy sounding management jargons like paradigm shift, strategic inception et cetera. Also, Hindi language like Hindi films is a strict no-no. For starters, start calling “dal” as lentils. “Matar” as “pea”. Nimbu pani as lemonade, Dosa as pancake…Burp too much of bloody oops foodie reverence oops reference.

14. Watch what you eat: no dolls it is not for your weight. After all what are you paying your personal trainer for? But am sure you certainly would not like to be caught eating a “thali” at a local restaurant. After all Chinese [I meant the food], Mexican had always been your hot favorite since your mother’ childhood. For what couldn’t be eaten through fork, knife and spoon, is not the diet for you.

15. Adopt a pet: Not that you are a strict animal lover. But all your favorite celebrities and socialites have one with a fancy name- Bruno, zede, pooch coo et all and honey it would be so LS to not have one. Try a high bred dog, gold fish, fur cat or even a butterfly. Well you can name it the most fanciest around. If not, what are ex’ are for.

16. Art and literature: if your home is not painted by “Anjali ela menon”, don’t loose heart babes. Instead go and invest some currency in buying some abstract paintings from even abstractly named artists. And yeah don’t forget to carry a loaded best seller in your bag with the Bausch and Lomb specs. It makes a style statement, for who cares how many pages you read as long as you look intelligent.

17. Invest your money: You must know how to manage your finances and control others. Oops, I meant always invest your money in right places. Like all worthwhile brands from your Jockey to your puppy food, from your comb to the doggy’ bone. It has become a fashion for woman to invest in stock these days. Damn it if you don’t know what a stock market is.

18. Body Language: Use your body language effectively. Your body language should be positive, passionate and off course suggestive at right inferences. Phew, someone is going to kill me after reading all that I wrote here.

Chalo, too much of gyan cats! It is time for some adoption. Like a good agony aunt, I must conclude that – do not forget to write me feedbacks as to how my gyan helped you in “evolution-zing” your life. All the best, dahlings!!!

Disclaimer: The above incidences, viewpoint is purely coincidental. However, if any of you find it objectionable, derogatory or personal. Well, I must say- take it easy baby. Alpha females do not cry, it spoils your mac foundation!!!

The autor is half Human, half machine. Go Figure or just revel in what I write


  1. Quite an interesting blog entry. I like your tongue-in-cheek writing style.

  2. See I told " Its different"....

    Whether a Girl or a Guy, you are taken for granted only as much you let other people take you.......

  3. sarcasm n satire do make a deadly combo:)
    super read!!!

  4. Anonymous11 May

    "Alpha females do not cry, it spoils your mac foundation!!!"

    That was too Good!!! Keep the humor on!!!

  5. Funny...looks like you reading too much of fakeipl player' posts...humor is good!

    is it anyway targeted to anyone? ;-)

  6. @ Ash
    Hi Ash, glad to have a new visitor and even more glad to know that you liked it.

    Keep connected...Take care

  7. @ Rahul

    Thanks for your comments...b ut it seriously didnt have anyone targeted at...

    @ Moi
    Thanks...no targets

  8. @ Rahul

    Thanks for your comments...b ut it seriously didnt have anyone targeted at...

    @ Moi
    Thanks...no targets

  9. Thanks CN...Long time...

    This time i tried to be funny hee hee and not sarcastic ...but cant help being one..hee

  10. Well, m enlightened .. I thought .. presumed Alpha women were somewhat like .. Sulajja Firodia Motwani or Priyanaka Gandhi women of substance .. in fact of so much substance .. that they surpass most males.. around ..

  11. @ Neeraj
    Thanks for your feedback :-)
    They are something called women of substance...while here i just tried to bring a humor into what many woman mix with substance:-)

  12. that was one intresting blog i read in a loong loong time, let me be honest. might be one hell of an effort. But good one, did you become an alpha female? if not all the best.:)))

  13. Interesting, a few points noted :)

  14. @ Zillionbig
    thanks for writing in. No i surely do not want to become an alpha female like this...hahaha

    I am glad that you liked it. Appreciate your first comment on my blogs. Keep writing.

    BTW have you read the recent ones?

  15. Anonymous08 June

    Guide to becoming a plastic wannabe?

  16. you know what, today being a chutti, i was blog hopping since morning and read around a hundred blogs from start to finish.I read several celebrity blogs and found that you have left comment on most of them.You are one natural and born blogger, for sure.

    And talking about blogging, i used to think that i am one hell of a master of keyboard diarrhea, where in i can go on and on without really being bothered about the SUBJECT.

    But you have beaten me by several light years.i was reading this blog post and was wondering what would have made you write this blog….where you started and where you ended…lago raho Ektabehen. Lage raho…;)))))))))))))))))))))))

  17. @ Zillionbig

    Very late but just saw your comments. Phew, so much of effort to put someone down. Appreciate the hard work :) To reply ur kind comment in a very simple sentence [ensuring keyboard diarrhea remains solely ur right only] -

    I didn't let the world miss you when you weren't or were even still around :)


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