It was 12:00 am i the night when I reached home from airport. I saw my 12 year niece and her equally teenager friends embroiled in a hot debate at drawing room.
Me: What kept you awake so long? And Err what is that you chaos are fighting on?
Niece: We aren't fighting but discussing. It is a very interesting debate on sex.
Me: Debate on sex?
Worried me looked around the room to search any traces for any such act. The kids were at my home and I was worried what would I answer their parents and how? Sex? They were all 12-14 years old only. I tried to look not so disturbed and picked myself and said-
Me: What sex debate? I thought you were watching movie.
Niece: Giggling. We just were watching that movie- Salaam Namaste wherein the leading lady lands at the guy's house as tenant and the start living in and have sex and gets pregnant, only to be dumped by the guy. In the end she delivers a baby. All that without marriage and we were like if she did right or she was wrong.
Me: So what have you concluded? right or wrong?
Niece: [in hush hush manner] Ya she was not right but the guy was even wrong he was jerk. Oops she was wrong too. I mean she could have married him first then have the baby. Girls like he looks like they are spreading net to rope in guys.
I could sense, a sense of "not coming out openly about it" feeling in my niece behavior and assured her to open up and speak her mind. It was then I learnt from her and her friends following-
1) Pre- marital sex is not a cool thing. It makes the girl and the guy look cheap and desperate
2) Pre-marital sex often leads to pregnancy
3) One should have pre-marital sex. Why so much hee-haw about virginity? esp for women?
4) It is very difficult for a girl to move on post her first sex
5) What if the guy leaves the girl post having sex with her?
6) You lose all your interest in the person post having sex
7) It looks- no-no...ugly
8) It is a good tool to know your partner's behavior in bed and act accordingly.
9) You can always say no post sex. What's the big deal
10) Good girls do not have pre marital sex
11) Intelligent girls have pre-marital sex
The argument list was endless. To cut the conversation short and avoid being peachy, I narrated them few real life incidents [name changed]-
Deepika, 29, a high flying executive copy writer at the well known advertising agency, was head over heels in love with her colleague Berry. Together they spent huge time making Ad copies and briefs for their client and during a work related tour in Ooty, discovered love for each other. The attraction was immediate, intense and the attraction was mutual. Soon after their first official candle light date, they found themselves waking up in each other's arms, the morning thereafter. Was it love or mere momentary attraction? Well hard to say as Deepika and Berry are still going strong and after 2 years of solid [read bed romping] courtship they got married in a Pvt ceremony at Goa last week and so far, so good.
Rohit, 20, a young, enthusiastic and intelligent engineering student from a prestigious college in Jaipur. During his second year, he met a young, bubbly and pretty looking Nitya and couldn't help but fell in love with her. Yes it was love at first sight for Rohit. He befriended Nitya and confessed his love one day. Nitya was a nice girl, a romantic at heart but was not ready to get into a relationship until she establishes herself in a job. That would require minimum 4 years and Rohit was willing to wait. All he wanted was a commitment from her. Nitya did not wanted to lose Rohit and in a moment of desperation, said yes to his proposal, only to refuse the very next day. She tried telling Rohit how she is not ready for a relationship and why she wanted to wait till they finish their education and his continuous insistence [no matter how innocent are they] are putting her off. But a smitten off Rohit couldn't stop himself and in turn Nitya drew herself away from him. She severed all connections but he somehow always managed to get her coordinates and would reach to her. The more he tried, more she drifted apart. Rohit and Nitya never had pre marital sex but in spite, Rohit got immensely emotionally attached with Nitya that he stopped concentrating on his education and career. It took him 7 years and a forced arrange marriage to lose focus on Nitya. He is settled happily with his family but Nitya still haunts his memory and reminds him of his unsuccessful first love.
And then there was Deepti. Deepti was a simple, dreamy and homely girl. She had firm belief in love, marriages and sanctity. When she turned 23, she was engaged with Bala, a suitor that her family found for her. Bala was a doctor in USA and belonged to a very conservative family. He wanted to marry an open minded girl and by open minded, he also meant that he wanted to have pre-nup intimacy with his life partner. Initially Deepti refused but given Bala's insistence and hint that she is hiding her "insufficiency" in name of "virginity", she relented. She relented thinking that she is anyways going to marry him and consented for the same. She realized that Bala is not a right person for her. He made her terribly uncomfortable and she developed a cold feet to sleep with him again. She tried to confide in her mother but in vain. They were aghast at her idea of having had pre-marital sex with her suitor and strictly told her not to divulge this truth to anyone else till she gets married to him. In spite of her repeated pleas, her parents got her married to Bala and needless to say, she developed intimacy issue and soon got divorced.
Deepti had a cousin- Meera. Meera was a architecture student when she met Kunal. He was her senior in college and proposed her. She could not refuse his charm and they started dating each other. A year after Kunal graduated and joined a prestigious architecture firm. He showered Meera with gifts and parties that would often take place at his newly acquired bachelor's pod where Meera would often spend her weekends. They used protection but even then Meera developed pregnancy. She developed a cold feet and in a bid to save herself from an early pregnancy and responsibility, she consulted a gynac and got the baby aborted. Unfortunately, the abortion lead to bad health and she could not conceive any children later. Kunal was not ready for child but Meera's one sided act disappointed him. He broke off with her, mutually.
Well that was the different examples that I could recall and gave to my "patiently listening" junta of teenagers. I threw them a question asking what do they think now about pre marital sex. Are they able to draw any conclusions on the same? It was imperative that I should have this discussion with them as they were in age that I call "dangerous" and needed to be "Handle with care" given the harmonal change their bodies and mind would go through.
Niece Friend 1: Yes. Well Pre marital sex can lead to making a women pregnant. No matter what. The women is always on risk of conceiving and conceiving at a wrong time of her life.
Me: Point taken. Next?
Niece Friend 2: Well it does not matter men or women, anyone can get emotional in a relationship like we saw in Rohit's case and sex may not be the reason. But if like Deepti, Rohit too had sex with Nitya, he would have known better.
Me: Known better what? What if he got further attached? What if Nitya developed pregnancy? She was a modern woman but not all modern woman need to be in favor of pre-marital sex. NO?
Niece Friend 3: Yes. However I have a disconnect on all this modernism issue. What is Modernism actually? Wearing branded stuff? talking chaste English, going holidays abroad and making out? We call ourselves the new generations. We wear Nike, Gucci and what not including our mind aloud on our heads. Tell me Maasi- are you in favor of "Pre-Marital Sex" yourself?
Me: You have a point there. Intimacy is a personal decision. What hold good in one case, may not hold good in other. No, I am not in favor of "Pre Marital sex" as an individual for self. However, I do not emboss my opinion on others. I believe there is always an age, time and purpose of everything. For me Pre marital sex is like a strict no-no. It is not just that my parents have this faith on me that I need not break or I am scared of society or scared of STDs. Off course, to me it is a combination of all and I like to play safe. It is a personal choice. It may not hold good for someone else like Deepika who grew fond of Berry post sleeping with him or Deepa who in spite of exercising her individual right of pre marital sex, cannot do much about it or say Meera. There is more to love and relationship Like I said- Different strokes for different folks!
Think about it guys and gals and the parents who oversee all logic over "log kya kahenge" [what will society say? Haaaw] All I would say is- be responsible for your actions and act responsibly.
This post is written for Indiblogger's Hot new debate on- YES or NO to Pre-Marital Sex in association with Author Poonam Uppal. Poonam has recently inked a book named- A Passionate Gospel of True Love: A Mystical True Love story
If the subject interests you, do pick up her book from Flipkart and feel free to express your opinions on Indiblogger.