Pre Marital Sex: Different Strokes for Different Folks

December 16, 2014 6 Comments

It was 02:00 am, when I reached home from the airport. As I entered, I saw my 12 year old niece and her equally teenager friends engaged in a hot debate across the dining table. 

Me: What kept you awake so long? And Err! why so much chaos around? You kids fighting?
Niece: We aren't fighting but discussing. And it is a very interesting debate. We are talking on sex.
Me: Debate on sex?

The very worried me, looked around the room to search for any untoward traces. The kids were at my home and were my responsibility. I was worried what would I answer their parents and how? Sex? They were all 12-14 years old only. I tried to look not so disturbed and gathered myself and said-

Me: What debate? And how come a debate on sex? Ahem, is it not a little too early for you kids to "debate on sex". I mean, I thought you would be watching movie together and have a Pajama-Pizza party, No?

Niece: Giggling. We just were watching that movie- Salaam Namaste wherein the actress moves to the hero's house as co-tenant and then starts a living-in relationship, terminating into sex, pregnancy and all that, only to be dumped by the guy later. In the climax she delivers a baby. All that without marriage, any proper job, family support et all. And we were like what the aaargh is she doing? And if that was required. Also, why can't we talk about about sex? You think we are babies [making the most possible rebel face]

Me: No, I did not mean that. I just felt it was out of context and I am glad that you can talk about sex rather than having misconceptions and living with them. So what have you concluded? right or wrong?

Niece: [in hush hush manner] Ya she was not right but the guy was even wrong. He was jerk. Oops she was wrong too. I mean she could have married him first then have the baby. Girls like her sets wrong precedents in society, making guys treat them "use and throw". 

I could sense, a sense of "not coming out openly about sex and perceptions related to it" feeling in my niece behavior and assured her to open up and speak her mind. It was then I learnt from her and her friends following-

1) Pre- marital sex is not a cool thing. It makes the girl and the guy look cheap and desperate
2) Pre-marital sex often leads to pregnancy without job
3) One should have pre-marital sex. Why so much hee-haw about virginity? esp for women?
4) It is very difficult for a girl to move on post her first sex
5) What if the guy leaves the girl post having sex with her? Sheer exploitation. 
6) You lose all your interest in the person post having sex
7) It looks- no-no...ugly and such a yuck -muck!
8) It is a good tool to master your act in bed and know what kind of lover your partner will make and then decide accordingly to keep the guy or dump him. 
9) You can always say no to marriage post sex. What's the big deal?
10) Good girls do not have pre-marital sex. It is too bold.
11) Boys use girls for sex and girls gets emotionally attached
12) Virginity is the best gift a girl can give to man and Nobody like to marry a girl with multiple sex partners in past. 

The argument list was endless. To cut the conversation short, objective and avoid being preachy, I narrated them few real life incidents [name changed]-

Deepika, 29, a high flying, executive copy writer at the well known advertising agency, was head over heels in love with her colleague Berry. Together they spent huge time making Ad copies and briefs for their clients. During a work related tour in Ooty, they discovered love for each other. The attraction was immediate, intense and the attraction was mutual. Soon after their first official candle light date, they jumped into bed and found themselves waking up in each other's arms, the morning thereafter. Was it love or mere momentary attraction? Well hard to say as Deepika and Berry are still going strong and after 2 years of solid [read bed romping] courtship they got married in a Pvt ceremony at Goa last week and doing so far, so good. PS: their last campaign on "birth control" won them an esteemed award ;)

Rohit, 20, a young, enthusiastic and intelligent engineering student from Jaipur. During his second year, he met a young, bubbly and pretty looking Nitya and couldn't help but fell in love with her. Yes it was love at first sight for Rohit. He befriended Nitya and gradually confessed his love to her. Nitya was a nice girl, romantic at heart but was not ready to get into a relationship until she establishes herself in a job. It would require a minimum of 4 years for her to settle and Rohit was willing to wait, provided she commits. She first tried to duck away commitment as it was really not going to affect her admiration for him. Nitya did not wanted to lose Rohit's friendship and in a moment of desperation, said yes to his proposal, only to refuse the very next day. She tried telling Rohit how she was not ready for a relationship and why she wanted to wait till they finish their education and how his continuous insistence [no matter how innocent were they] are putting her off. But a smitten off Rohit couldn't stop himself pushing his case, and in turn Nitya drew herself away from him. She severed all connections but he somehow always managed to get her coordinates and would reach her. The more he tried, more she drifted apart. Rohit and Nitya never had sex or even the closest physical encounter including holding hands but in spite, Rohit got immensely emotionally attached with Nitya that he stopped concentrating on his education and career. Nitya who was very fond of him in beginning and sexually attracted too, found his compels repulsive and totally moved away including letting go of friendship that was once most precious to her. She later fell in love with another person, got intimate and had a heart break too. She missed her sexual intimacy but in spite of Rohit being around, she did not turned to him as she had lost her love for him years back. For her love was most essential to get intimate. It took Rohit 7 years and a forced arrange marriage to lose focus on Nitya. He is now settled happily but Nitya still haunts his memory and reminds him of his unsuccessful first love. He still wants to hold her hands and kiss her, out of loved\, unrequited love and not exploitation. 

And then there was Deepti. Deepti, 23, a simple, dreamy and homely girl, with firm belief in love, marriages and sanctity. She was engaged to Bala, a match by her family. Bala was a doctor in USA and belonged to a very conservative family. He wanted to marry an open minded girl and by open minded, he also meant to have pre-nup intimacy with his life partner. Initially Deepti refused but given Bala's insistence and doubts that she is hiding her "insufficiency" in name of "virginity", she relented. She relented thinking that she is anyways going to marry him and consented for the same. Bala was a disaster in bed. He made her terribly uncomfortable. She developed a cold feet and tried to confide in her mother but in vain. They were aghast at her act of pre-marital sex with her suitor and strictly told her not to divulge this truth to anyone else. In spite of her repeated pleas, her parents got her married to Bala and needless to say, she developed intimacy issue and soon got divorced on same grounds. 

Deepti had a cousin- Meera. Meera was studying architecture when she met Kunal. He was her senior in college and proposed her. She could not refuse his charm and they started dating each other. A year after Kunal graduated and joined a prestigious architecture firm. He showered Meera with gifts and parties that would often take place at his newly acquired bachelor's pod where Meera would often spend her weekends. They used protection but even then Meera developed pregnancy. She developed a cold feet and in a bid to save herself from an early pregnancy and responsibility, she consulted a gynac and got the baby aborted. Unfortunately, the abortion lead to bad health and she could not conceive any children later. Kunal was not ready for child but Meera's one sided act disappointed him. He broke off with her, mutually.

Well that was the different examples that I could recall and gave to my "patiently listening" junta of teenagers. I threw them a question asking what do they think now about pre marital sex. Are they able to draw any conclusions on the same? It was imperative that I should have this discussion with them as they were in age that I call "dangerous" and needed to be "Handle with care" given the harmonal change their bodies and mind would go through.

Niece Friend 1: Yes. Well Pre marital sex can lead to making a women pregnant. No matter what. The women is always on risk of conceiving and conceiving at a wrong time of her life.

Me: Point taken. Next?

Niece Friend 2: Well it does not matter men or women, anyone can get emotional in a relationship like we saw in Rohit's case and sex may not be the reason. But if like Deepti, Rohit too had sex with Nitya, he would have known better.

Me: Known better what? What if he got further attached? What if Nitya developed pregnancy? She was a modern woman but not all modern woman need to be in favor of pre-marital sex. NO?

Niece Friend 3: Yes. However I have a disconnect on all this modernism issue. What is Modernism actually? Wearing branded stuff? talking chaste English, going holidays abroad and making out? We call ourselves the new generations. We wear Nike, Gucci and what not including our mind aloud on our heads. Tell me Maasi- are you in favor of "Pre-Marital Sex" yourself?

Me: You have a point there. Intimacy is a personal decision. What hold good in one case, may not hold good in other. No, I am not in favor of "Pre Marital sex" as an individual for self. However, I do not emboss my opinion on others. I believe there is always an age, time and purpose of everything. For me Pre marital sex is like a strict no-no. It is not just that my parents have this faith on me that I need not break or I am scared of society or scared of STDs. Off course, to me it is a combination of all and I like to play safe. It is a personal choice. It may not hold good for someone else like Deepika who grew fond of Berry post sleeping with him or Deepa who in spite of exercising her individual right of pre marital sex, cannot do much about it or say Meera. There is more to love and relationship Like I said- Different strokes for different folks!

Think about it guys and gals and the parents who oversee all logic over "log kya kahenge" [what will society say? Haaaw] All I would say is- be responsible for your actions and act responsibly. 

This post is written for Indiblogger's Hot new debate on- YES or NO to Pre-Marital Sex in association with Author Poonam Uppal. Poonam has recently inked a book named- A Passionate Gospel of True Love: A Mystical True Love story
If the subject interests you, do pick up her book from Flipkart and feel free to express your opinions on Indiblogger.

The autor is half Human, half machine. Go Figure or just revel in what I write


  1. Anonymous17 December

    Different strokes for different folks, it says it all. Different perspectives which gives a clear cut picture. I feel before jumping into intimacy, one needs to be honest what they are looking for in a relationship, a passing fling or commitment, before going ahead. Either ways, a couple need to be honest and communicate with each other.

  2. To each his own. For me, sex means you are in love and you know it has consequences, both on your body and emotions. If you are mature enough to accept everything, go ahead.

    1. True! It is extreme intimacy germinated out of deep love!

  3. This is a fabulous post. very well written.



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