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Close Encounter with Stinky Mr.Chappantikli

Thursday, April 10, 2014 8 Comments

Mr. Chappantikli AKA Suraag Kapish is one of the management graduate who worked in my company. He was such an adorable character that everyone who came in contact, loved to hate him. And Hate Bole toh, ekdum Solid platonic wala hateYeah, He was the eponymous male version of Bette Noire.

The good, remarkable display of habits that gained him, his immense popularity with colleagues, team and other office members alike, including seniors like us, included- sycophancy, extreme sycophancy and even more blunt sycophancy. The other prominent constituents were-

1) Greedy/ Slimy behavior
2) Free-loading mentality
3) Sheer Incompetence backed by pseudo sense of authority
4) Human Velcro Polymers - Ek baar chipak jaaye toh haathi bhi natod paaye
5) Some Random undiscovered properties in freaky @#$%$## languages
6) High language proficiency with words succeeded by universal infinite element of slang-u-gage
And Men! not to forget mentioning with context to Racold contest, he smelled bad too...full of sweat. Sweat sliding from his half bald head, sweat dripping from the dirty noodles like sparse smelly hair of his to forehead to neck. Sweat that he cool-ly wiped with his hands while having the "paratha" lunch with us and dipped in ball of yogurt [second helping off course]. He was the breed that has probably never heard about deodorant or bathing soap or tissue papers or even washing your hands before eating but yes definitely about sizzling brownie and butter chicken. Especially, if they came free of cost for Mr. Freeloader, awful breath  heavy talker, tall bear like human and sheer incompetent snooty head.

Call me Ass Ke
SK or Ass ke?
Suraag Kapish aka Chappantikli's sole mantra to succeed in corporate world was doing "boss-management", above and below and what lies in middle, if need be. After all, for some people there seems no difference between a piece of Ass and a piece of S. For hard work is a virtue of old school and new management has a lot about ivory towers, corporate jargon's and some diligent followers of Henry Fayol like him who believed only in- Manage-Men- tactfully. Our Chappantikli took that adage a little head with his open fund on "Boss Management".

What is "boss management"?  Boss management is the form of new age-old school- forever green body of management where your most important skill in the role and organization is not your knowledge of business, market, team leadership or other soft/technical/functional skills. But it is that unique skill set aims at combining different aspects of shamelessness, shrewdness  and over the top behavior that any individual can possess to the power infinity and do all that it takes to please the boss, makes him be in their good book of "chamchas" barring the good work performance.

Mr. Kapish was the master of the game. He was a skilled Chef with all kind of "Chamcha, spoon and variety". A proficiency that he would honestly, read flamboyantly announce the same in front of his boss himself. "Yes, My lord..working in this company is all about- managing your boss. And I, yours truly follow this to heart".

If your boss like crappy Vanilla brownies, men, it becomes your most favorite dish ever since you were toddler and did not knew your Vanilla from your brownie. Take two- When boss changes and New boss do not like sizzling brownies but he is a butter chicken loving Punjabi. Men! You were born with a leg of butter chicken in your hand and had been eating ever since. "Har haath Shakti, Har haath butter chicken" becomes your next job KRA with approx weight-age of 25%

My Close Encounter with Smelly Mr. Boss-manager
"He is a nice boy" were my first thoughts when I met him. I failed to understand why my circle team is so averse to share the business data with him or do not allow him to be part of circle's revenue discussion meeting, with him being the only SPOC for same function. Well all such self misconceptions took no less than 48 hours that I spent with him around, to vanish. He was actually kind of guy to where I felt imperative to mention myself as CEO's Office hoping that reinforce some sanity in behavior, however temporary. If not with arrogance or sense of authority but with a ceiling of being pardoned off his shenanigans. May be that introduction was a mistake that I committed and paid the price by having my two days lunch, dinner with Mr. Obnoxious who has sent a very authoritative mail to me, a couple of weeks ago asking to include his name in my mails marked to all people at his circle. Point noted "BOSS". So what if you have no role there. I hope such mails empower you to learn spreadsheet better that we do not add cost plus revenue to derive Earnings for the month!

Its all fair in love, war and team dinners!
I still remember that evening [with a deo in hand] when Mr. Freeloader accompanied us to dinner while on our way back to Mumbai from Nashik and chose to sit next to me. I took out my phone and made note- Birthday gift idea for Mr. Kapish- Soap, Deodrant, talc and all thing cleaning/ grooming.

Yo Mr. Chappantikli is so stinky that
even a man eating plant will die with
lack of Oxygen
#WhatsThatSmellBoss I kept wondering through out the dinner duration.  "Oh may be it is the mixed smell of all food around this place" Mr. Kapish replied while few team mates chose to be quiet. Dinner was sidey affair that I thanked profusely when it got over.  Seems my woes did not end there. Much to my horror, Mr. Kapish was on a hugging spree as a departing gesture. I saw him approaching me and I prayed SOS! Thank God the telephone call that come to my immediate rescue and saved me, costing only a handshake. I could not wait to wash it and really prayed that he doesn't decides to travel back with us in same vehicle. Thank God,  he didn't.

Back in Mumbai, after over coming the horrible dinner experiences, I almost forgot Mr. Kapish aka Chappantikli until one day when I got a mail from him marking to the entire universe including all atoms and particles, seeking an answer on why a certain KPI has gone down at his circle, in a tone that even my CEO would not use. Well the mail was not marked to me for explanation and I could have simbly ignored but NO! Justice Miss Khetan was all in shock when she saw those figures being questioned in the mail. Probably that was another mistake as MR. Chappantikli traveled to Mumbai office to explain the goof up that he had done. "What's your plan for lunch" he asked.
"Oh, carry on. I am fasting today [thank God]" I replied.

He made a long face and left my office only to return back with his laptop, asking if could use a little space in my "big cabin not assigned to lesser mortals read non CEO office" like him. Halfheartedly I relented but could not stop suffering #WhatsThatSmellBoss all the time I decided to sit at my work station.

It was half past 8 when my office staff came looking for me. He asked why am I not sitting at my desk but that small corner in visitor's area. I asked him Mr. Kapish left my workstation or is still there. On a proper assurance from the staff that Mr. Chapantikli has left, Men I took my laptop and moved to my desk that was smelling like that dried canal ear the slum. #WhatsThatSmellBoss I asked the office boy. I was appalled when he told me Mr. Kapish ordered some cafeteria food in my name and had it there. Food, burp, silent killers..oops my head was in spin and so much that I packed my bags and left for home.

Mr Kapish, beware...high time you change yourself. Otherwise it would be too late. Using your boss mgt skills, chamcha giri, sycophancy at its best, you may gain some growth in organization but you will end up [gaining some weight too] being someone like this-

#My Mantra to Cope up with Smelly, Stinky kind is simple. I choose to ignore them and breath out that anger back in to my mission or sense of well being. I may not give him "Babaji ka Thullu" or send "aashirvaad" from "Sanskari Alok Nath Bauji". My best vengeance is the one that I serve "HOT". Yes I pamper myself with a hot water bath. I simply switch on my "Racold water heater" and wash off the negativity with a good, soothing, relieving hot water bath. 
In case if you were wondering why I called him "Chappantikli" in abstinence of a better name..well I can conveniently call it gift of TOMA- Top of mind Awareness/ recall that hit my senses when I thought of writing about him or the fact that I had 56 kinds of negative incidences/ analogies about our chap that I heard about. And as I said, in absence of better name or in defense of offending any other creatures including dandruff, cockroaches and eeeks pigs. oInk oInk! I thought Chappantikli will suffice. It will catch your fancy too. If you do not wish it to, and want to cleanse off yourself with such stinky, smelly people and their bad odor memory, then suggest you go for a hot water bath as well. Bring hold Racold. To knw more, visit their Facebook page.
Photo: Close Encounters of the Smelly Kind

The autor is half Human, half machine. Go Figure or just revel in what I write


  1. reminds me of an animated character from the movie peabody and sherman where he raises his arm pit and says smell mmy victory making people faint :P
    good luck with the contest

    1. LOlz Afshan..Yeah! I need to find more about that character now..lolz.

  2. Nice post , But first time I am not sure how to react to this post :D Infrared Guy

  3. Ah ! you have bowled your boss over ;) Well written post Ekta and I guess most of your personal experience has been blogged here :)

    1. When did I say that? aaaye Uma, I have not blogged about my boss but a colleague. Looks like u read in hurry ;)

  4. Good post from you Ekta. Hope your the smelly boss does not come over to read this ;)

    1. Thanks Farida.
      But it seems that you haven't read my write I nowhere have written about my boss.

      my last 2 bosses unfortunately were quite not good but still I do not care enough about them to blog here :P


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